Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
