My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
