What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
