dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
