i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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