who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
