she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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