So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We got so high we made milksteak
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
