I think i peed on brittanys purse
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
