Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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