Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is the high leading the old right now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
