Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
