She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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