I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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