He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
