Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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