your parents love me but you hate me
Barsexuality is the new black.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
