May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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