Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
