Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
