She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
