i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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