I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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