I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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