I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
