It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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