I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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