I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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