The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
