I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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