these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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