woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
