when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
