Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
