look no pants
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
