I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
