what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you never un-have a 4some
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
