I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
