you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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