wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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