You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wear drunk well.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
