I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
