I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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