I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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