Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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