it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
