just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
