i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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