I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
