Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he thought i was a dude.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
