Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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