Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
NoShamevember. You game?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
