the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
