she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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