the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
