I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
