Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
