I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
