hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
