she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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