I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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