You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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