A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
