I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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